Simon Lincoln Reader

The Labour Party conference in Brighton is much, much worse than some dystopian Planet-Erf fun

OVER THE WEEKEND there was a brilliant party in the Mojave desert, themed on a Mad-Max, post-apocalyptic world, attended by creative, happy people at their best after months of business and soul-destroying lockdowns. There was cosplay – much more convincing than those savages at the Met Gala – live music, processions, and some extraordinary set builds.

Meanwhile, the real end of the world was being plotted in Brighton, as it happens the premises from where many a bad idea has originated. The Labour Party’s annual conference started on Saturday, and is scheduled to end today.

The first time I shivered at the thought of the UK Labour party’s future was when I was alerted to an incident involving Tony Blair, Alistair Campbell and Peter Mandelson, three undefeated heavyweight world champions of shystering. What started as a discussion about whether Blair should wear corduroys or very pale blue jeans for a speech exploded into a fist-banging, throat-grabbing, screeching rage with two of the three deeply damaged aforementioned parties threatening to walk out forever.

On Saturday, what was promoted as the most inclusive, diverse and equal Labour conference ever started with a black (Person of Colour) woman (womxn/person with cervix) complaining that there wasn’t enough…inclusion, diversity and equality. When the subject of antisemitism emerged, the hissing of blood libels could be heard from the curtain-twitchers at the back – Jeremy Corbyn’s supporters, most in their 60s and 70s – all who believe that the whole antisemitism spectacle was a sham and that nobody did anything wrong ever.

Following that there was some performative outrage from a mental climate change enthusiast, possibly cooked off her head on puberty blockers or something. Instead of two minutes’ silence for comrades cut short by the coof, the audience started – bizarrely – clapping (for two minutes). An odd white man with very small fingers engaged in some…white shaming.

Two trans women then got the hump and started complaining about how they were being treated, at first meekly, growing angrier. The second one’s gripe appeared to be about the standard, normal woman-with-cervix who has taken exception to sharing changing rooms – or even jail cells – with trans women. You half expected both speeches to end with a menacing stare – for them to run their index fingers across their throats – but I couldn’t help thinking of the Scottish comedian Leo Kearse: “Some trans women are hot, but others, oh for God sakes’, why am I having to do all the work in your transition? You know what I mean, you’ve gone like 2% of the way, it’s not my transition, but you’re forcing me to remember your pronouns – at least meet me halfway, at least shave.”

All of which condemns Keir Starmer (Keith) to possibly the most undesirable position in British politics for generations – far worse than having to answer to an ambitious, anti-democratic wife, or not being able to determine exactly how many children you have fathered.

Because of all the ideas expressed through speeches by officials and shadow cabinet ministers, it was Anneliese Dodds’ remarks that received the most applause. And what did she say? Simply: “trans rights are human rights.” To put this in context, remember that last week China announced that it was limiting the time under 18s spend playing video games – to 3 hours a week. It couldn’t be clearer: Chairman Xi doesn’t want the profile of the teenage, pronoun grumbling, social justice Twitter simp. And I think that it was at the thunderous reception to Dods when Prince Andrew canceled his keynote, scheduled for Tuesday evening, with an abrupt: “nah, f*** that, I can’t risk damaging my reputation in that s***hole.”

Paying attention yet?

Climate change mentalist

Make me do all the work 1

Make me do all the work 2

White Shaming El Creepo

Unrelated…but Bill Clinton’s husband was also in the UK on Saturday, looking like a 17th Century French monarch with a climate-catastrophe goblin carrying her gown.

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